


Hot Pockets

by msmeadows



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ALL THE CRACK, Awesome Darcy Lewis, Bucky is so done, Crack, F/M, Humor, Steve is a Troll, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thor Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-17 09:16:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10590981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msmeadows/pseuds/msmeadows
Summary: Darcy just wanted to feed Jane not nearly assassinate Barnes with a microwavable pastry... How is she going to out run two super pissed super soldiers and keep her sanity intact?





	1. ?

Darcy stumbled drunkenly around the spacious kitchenette In an attempt to scrounge up something at least halfway edible for Jane. Nearly 46 hours without sleep Darcy was willing to call anything that could be chewed sufficient sustinence. Throwing open the freezer she mindlessly grabbed at an old box Hot Pockets; she paused briefly to look over the packaging consideringly... it looked like something from the late 80's. She made a small mou of frustration while her tired eyes searched the box for an expiration.

"Screw it! If she can live off pop tarts and forgotten Chinese she leaves under her bed a shitty Hot Pocket won't kill her." She snarled while tearing open the packaging. Popping the questionable pastry into the microwave with a little more force than necessary and then planted herself in one of the nearby barstools lightly rocking it back on it's hind legs as she listened to the electric whir of the microwave.

"YEA WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR MARTYRDOM ROGERS!"

Darcy startled so hard she kicked the cabinets her feet had been resting against tumping her backwards onto the unforgiving tile. She groaned from her splayed positions on the floor before quickly scrambling out of the way of one irate "Don't call me James" Bucky Barnes and a purple Steve Rogers. 

Why was Steve purple? 

"Innocent people were trapped Buck! What the hell did you want me to do!?" Steve gritted at his friend behind clenched teeth. Darcy's back connected with a nearby cabinet as she studied the two from her position on the floor. The super soldiers were circling each other like boxers looking to square off; obviously she had not been noticed, maybe she could crawl the few feet it was to the edge of the kitchenette and run like hell without being spotted.

"I EXPECT you to act like you have some common fucking sense and not jump out of MOTHER FUCKING AIRPLANES STEVEN!" 

Darcy rolled her eyes because 'Yea Steve was totally going to act like a rational human being who wasn't hell bent on driving everyone within an inch of their misty sanity.' Seriously even Tony had sat down with him not a month ago to talk about depression; that it's ok to ask for help and there's nothing wrong admitting you are struggling. To say it had been a supremely awkward conversation to interrupt was a vast understatement. Shaking her head at the stubborness of super heroes Darcy began her bid for freedom out of the now very crowded space... Scootching across the floor while avoiding a very irate Winter soldier's pacing proved to be an impossible task. Barely a foot from freedom the microwave gave a shrill beep causing both men to jump lightly.

"Shit." She whispered quietly before standing slowly. Bucky marched with venomous purpose, completely bypassing her 'Ok how have they still not noticed I'm here? Tactician and spysassian my ass!' before ripping open the microwave, removing the hot Pocket, and brandishing it at Steve like a crazy Nun with a ruler. The glare Steve leveled at the offending pepperoni pocket was enough to make Darcy want wilt under the weight of it. Spinning on his heel Steve struck a rather patriotic pose. At least Darcy assumed it was patriotic seeing that Steve was now facing the living room away from them while grandstanding with his fist firmly planted against his hips. She had to quickly clap a hand over her mouth to keep from guffawing at the man's dramatics. Bucky's aggrieved sigh at the sight could have blown trees over she was almost positive. Quirking a brow at the former Soviet while he did a rather unflattering impression of Captain America, saluting his wreckless friend with the Hot Pocket, and then promptly taking large bite of it. Bucky's eyes went wide as one of his hands wrapped quickly around his throat. 

Wait that meant choking right? 

Darcy felt an immediate rush of panic as Bucky's face began turning a violent shade of red. Running over to the choking man she began frantically slapping him on the back and tried calling to Steve for help.

"Steve." No response

"Steve!" He now had a finger pointed towards the sky in what she assumed was righteous piety.

"STEV-"

"CAPTAIN ROGERS!" Jarvis' clipped accent called causing Steve to whirl around towards the kitchen once more. Darcy was amazed at the man's ability to impersonate a fish.

"Is... I... Is he choking?" Holy shit the winter solider was going to die because of a Hot Pocket and because Darcy skipped first aide in high school to make out with that one dude who kissed like he was trying to taste her esophagus. That and Steven Grant Rogers is apparently as helpful a fucking tomato in every day emergencies.

"MY LADY DARCY FAIR JANE IS REQUESTING YOUR PRESENCE!" Thor boomed sweeping in with all the grace of an over excited Labrador.

"THOR!" She could have wept with relief "HELP!" Or wept with regret as the golden god's face abruptly turned from cheerful to murderous. 

"Are the Captain and his wintery companion distressing you?" The air around them crackled with electricity. A blue arc rolling off the joint of Bucky's metal arm causing him jerk it wildly only to crack Darcy in the nose knocking her back into the counter. Gasping around the immediate pain she tried to reach for the hand that hit her but instead grabbed air. Thor held Bucky high in the air by his throat growling in his rage.

'There is no God' By sheer force of will she didn't beat her head against the counter until she lost consciousness.

"STEVE!" The desperate scream left her throat as she sought a way to gain some kind of control over the situation. Steve, however, was still doing his rather remarkable impression of a fish. Mother fucker.

The loud SLAP! of a body against the tile floor made her stomach curl. Bucky laid still on the floor.

"Thor?"

"My Lady Darcy I fear I may have... He does not appear to be breathing." Fuck her life so hard! Rushing to the fallen man's side Darcy tightly gripped one hand around the other and slammed them down into his chest. Jarvis, God bless his AI heart, began rambling CPR instructions so fast it nearly made her head spin. Swinging a leg over Bucky's pliant form Darcy brought down her fist again and again. Steve had started to make choking sobs behind her as Thor lamented his brassness to the good Captain. 

"BREATH YOU SON OF A BITCH!" The body beneath her jerked lightly.

"YES! COME ON BUCKY!" His head lulled unhelpfully to side.

"IF YOU DIE I'LL KILL YOU!" Explosive thick vomit covered her leg as the hot pocket finally dislodged from Bucky's throat. Wild blue eyes raked over her as she sat above him arms held high in the air, her hair on end from the static charge filling the room, and blood dripping sluggishly from her nose onto her Invader Zim hoodie. Idly she thought that nothing barring the sky pouring out aliens again could make this night any worse

"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK LEWIS!" And then Tony showed up.


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky glared at her whenever they were in the same room. It had been nearly a week since the "Incident" and she almost positive he was trying to set her on fire by sheer force of will. It didn't help matters or her nerves that Steve would come down to the lab daily either. His gorgeous spangley ass would pace agitatedly near the sliding glass doors across from her tiny desk before stopping to pin her with a rather constipated look and storming off; Darcy felt it was safe to bet she was going to be smothered by shield in her sleep sometime in the near future.

"I know that you won't talk about whatever that," Jane made a strange jerking gesture with her hand in the direction Steve had stormed off in, "is, but I'm starting to get concerned I'm going to need a new assistant."

"Odin forbid you have to train someone else to make poptarts to the exact level of toastiness." Darcy quipped studiously trying to ignore the arrival of Barnes who stood leaning against the glass nearest her with his eyes trying to bore a hole through her skull.

"I just," Jane visibly floundered while staring at the ceiling as if the world's greatest assassin wasn't within a car length of her. "Maybe if you apologized for "the thing" they'll stop looking like you personally started Hydra?"

Darcy snorted shaking her head solemnly and taking a sip of her now cold coffee. "Thor already tried that Jane. Have you not noticed your beefcake of a boyfriend is sporting noticeably shorter hair?"

"I dunno Doll I think it makes him look dapper." A voice breathed into her ear causing the hair on the back of her neck to rise.

"CHEESE AND RICE!" She yelped flailing madly she launched her Hulk™ mug at her would be attacker. It connected with a heavy THUNK! spraying coffee across the lab. Bucky stood there covered in coffee while his left eye began rapidly swelling. As she turned to flee the room Darcy briefly wondered what she had done that made the universe find her so very funny.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony for all his quirks was truly the best friend a girl could have. Which is why when Darcy found him in her apartment with a cheesecake and a bottle of wine she swore she'd name her first born after him...If she actually survived the wrath of two super pissed super soldiers. He lounged on her old fold out couch with an artless kind of grace twirling three forks grinning like the cat who at the canary. Maybe just the middle name of her first born in his honor, Tony never had a shit eating grin without reason.

"Why three forks?" Trepidation colored her voice.

"Oh shortstack you've been playing with the big boys even after a certain someone told you not to." He gestured with his chin in the direction of her bedroom. Wasn't that just wonderfully fucking ominous. She tried to steady herself with a deep breath and wiping the slick sweat if her palms onto her jeans. Tony's grin grew until it showed all of his teeth. 

"I promise on the grave of my cat Sir Pickles the third if that is one of Satan's Secret Soldiers I will tell Pepper what you really did in New Jersey." The humor wiped from his face so quickly Darcy couldn't stop her small crow of victory.

"Milaya," Natasha's sultry voice called from her doorway; the beautiful red head stood holding a pile of what suspiciously looked like workout clothes. 

"Heyyyy Tash you here to eat cheesecake and gossip with my main squeeze?" Tony's snort earned him a sharp slap to the back of his head from Darcy.

"Mmmhmm," Natasha agreed indulgently. "I'm here to celebrate with you for the evening." At Darcy's confused looked Natasha glided forward until she was toe to toe with the shorter brunette. "I'm celebrating your decision to study under me in your war against Sargeant Barnes and his babysitter."

"WHAT!?" Oh please sweet baby Jesus no.

"You wouldn't disappoint me by not allowing my aide would you Milaya? You know how much I worry over my favorite science Wrangler. I was so wounded when Tony was the one to tell me of your rather... Interesting incident." Hooking her finger under Darcy's chin Natasha forced the younger woman to look at her. "You didn't avoid telling me on purpose did you little one?"

Well fuck her sideways. Darcy shook her head no frantically as Tony cackled like an idiot behind them. She was so screwed... So very very screwed.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam believed himself to be a relatively level headed man. He took great pride in his ability to help others logically sort out their problems and find a reasonable solution. Steve and Bucky, however, often made him wish he'd followed his college roommate to Barbados with a one legged stripper named Dandelion. Don't judge him Thing One and Thing Two could use angst as a superpower. 

Stumbling on Darcy Lewis hiding behind a treadmill in the upper level gym while stuffing ho-ho's into her mouth with intent felt like a god send.

"Darce?" He called softly. Her entire body tensed, but she kept her eyes trained on the floor. 

"Come on Gorgeous I'd really like to speak with you about the.. uh.. predicament you're in." She visibly flinched. Well shit this was going over like a lead balloon.

Slowly turning her body Darcy looked up at him with red rimmed eyes and sniffled. He felt like he'd personally drowned a bag of kittens after telling a sweet little girl in pig tails there was no Santa.

"They're crazy Sam! ALL OF THEM!" She shoved an entire ho-ho into her mouth to muffle a sob.

Raggedly Sam scrubbed his hands over his face before dropping into crouch beside her. "I'll kick Steve's ass if it'll make you feel better. He'd never see it coming."

Darcy sniffled again, but passed Sam a ho-ho. "I think you might be crazy too Goose." Holding the chocolate treat in his hand Sam couldn't help but agree with her. Everyone in this damn tower was insane... Now how was he going to one up the man with the plan?


	5. Chapter 5

After three weeks of little sleep, being stalked by the wonder twins, hellacious training that bordered on torture, three ho-ho fueled breakdowns, and one attempt at arson Darcy's body finally gave up the ghost. She laid snoring in the common room with her arms and legs spread across the over sized plush couch like a starfish while cartoons played quietly on the television.

Bucky had to tamp down the urge to rub his hands together and cackle. With a stealth and grace Panthers would envy he crept to the sassy young intern with his weapon at the ready. When he was close enough to see her pulse jump steadily in her neck he struck out.

Darcy came awake all at once when something wet and sharp cracked against her sternum. Arms and legs kicking out and swinging her foot came into contact with something solid. A quick flash of brown and the streak of Quicksilver made her mouth run dry.

'No..No..No no no no NOOO!'

Bucky Barnes was down on his knees, shoulders hunched, with one hand protectively grabbing his groin. His soft "Hngh" of pain felt like a signature on what she was sure was her death certificate. He'd shot her. He'd shot her and she'd kicked him in the balls. Her mind hysterically supplied that she wasn't dead yet so he was going to have to finish the job... Probably manually... Oh God oh God! Laughter bubbled up into her throat before turning into wet gasping sobs. Shaking she dared to look down at the gaping wound in her chest.

Wait was that egg? Why the fuck was there egg?

A hysterical shriek tore through her as tremors racked her petite frame.

"Doll?"

"DOLL!?"

"Aw shit honey you gotta look at me and take deep breaths ok? Deep breaths dollface... In and out just like that... Good good... You gotta quit crying ok? Thor's going to try set me on fire again! PLEASE BABY GIRL STOP CRYING!" Bucky flitted around her his hands making aborted motions as he tried to calm the frightened intern.

"BARNES!" A feminine voice snapped.

Oh fuck his life. Bucky looked up into the enraged face of Natasha Romanoff... He got the distinct impression she wasn't going to be nice enough to just set him on fire.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't beat up Barnes anymore... But Steve is totally fair game.

He hadn't glared at her in days; he still stared at her whenever they were in the same room though now it with a soft almost considering sort of expression. 

Darcy preferred the glaring.

Blowing out a huff of air in an attempt to keep from ripping out her at the roots while Jane and Tony argued like toddlers over SCIENCE! Darcy blankly stared out into the hallway. Maybe she could slip away without being noticed and actually grab something that qualified as food for lunch.

"Kiss my ass Foster you may know space but I know machines and there's no way in hell-!"

Or she could sit here and debate her life choices. Decisions decisions. The gentle woosh of the sliding doors pulled her from her thoughts. There stood Bucky Barnes nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other clutching a brown paper bag in his hands.

"Uhhh hi?" Eloquence thy name is Lewis!

Abruptly Bucky strode forward and shoved the bag into her hands.

"Here!"

She canted her head to one side and blinked owlishly in confusion. Bucky's entire body shook with small spasms. Was he nervous?.... Oh God it was a bomb wasn't it? He'd just handed her a bomb! Death was coming... Loud explosive death. She swallowed nervously and crinkled the paper.

"It ain't gonna bite ya." Yes but it may go boom so really biting was the least of her worries. She raised a sardonic brow at him. Bucky snorted snatching the bag back and ripping it open. Darcy hit the floor so hard she nearly knocked the wind out of herself.

"Looks it's just a... Will you please?... Oh for fucks sake woman it's just food!"

Slowly cracking open one eye Darcy peaked at Bucky; he was holding a hot pocket?

"It's a hot pocket?" Genius observation truly.

"Hand pie."

"Huh?" Let it never be said Darcy wasn't the goddamn brains of the science department.

"They're called hand pies. My Ma used to make them from leftovers for my Pa. Keeps you full all day even working the docks. I thought you might like the real thing... Less chance of death by pastry." He leaned down and gently placed it into her hand.

"I'm not half the cook she was, but I got a couple more if this one doesn't fill you up." Cocking a small grin he turned to leave, but stopped to call over his shoulder "Oh and doll face, Stevie, well he gets real nervous over centipedes... Ain't a fight one that man wouldn't take on, but centipedes those work him up something awful." Then with a wink he was gone.

Smiling down at the hand pie she took a tentative bite. Lamb and potatoes. 

"TONY DOES ANYONE IN THE ENTOMOLOGY DEPARTMENT OF THE ZOO OWE YOU ANY FAVORS!?"

Tony's head snapped up.

"What? Why!?... Is that food? When did you get food?"

She gave him a salacious grin breaking the pie in half.

"I'm willing to share if you are."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will be writing a sequel to this so stay tuned!

Bucky sat quietly behind Darcy carding his fingers through her hair intermittently dozing and catches glimpses of the movie she had put in. His entire body felt heavy with relaxation, her soft little hums of contentment from his hands in her hair had carved out a little bubble of calm in their otherwise chaotic every day lives. He wasn't sure if it was the hand pies that caused her to stop trembling any time he was around or maybe the cessation of his stalking.... Probably the stalking. She'd come to him after work the day he brought her hand pies 'Not Hot Pockets... Fuck those they had been made by Satan and approved by Hydra so fuck Hot Pockets.' She'd been all bright eyed and shaking with energy ready to forgive as well as forget the moment he called a truce. Admittedly when he got the full story of the incident, not the Steve version that had copious amounts of interns fondling his unconscious person and angry thunder God wrath, he'd fallen off his couch with deep belly laughs.

After that she was the lit match to his gasoline. Whenever Darcy was in the tower Bucky wasn't far behind... Neither was trouble. He'd never met such a sweet eyed damn so hell bent on the personal destruction of everyone's sanity.

Centipedes in Steve's Captain get up? Darcy did it and recorded the footage of him screaming like a school girl on national TV while stripping faster than Dum Dum at brothel.

Tony Stark having a forced bedtime? Darcy hacked into Jarvis' server to make the AI play Abba until he either went insane or to bed.

Learning sign language so she could yell at Clint when he turned off his hearing aids? Actually that was Natasha's idea... She was also teaching Darcy Russian and how to strangle a man with her thighs.

Figuring out Thor was terrified of Midgaurdian pigs and exploiting it in some truly terrifying ways? Darcy says he's still not allowed to talk about it. Nick Fury had personally watched her sign about three dozen NDA's.

Refusing to live in the tower and only carry a goddamn taser no matter how many times he demanded, pleaded, begged, 'Jesus fucking Christ Darce just let me drop you off at your apartment I don't care when the last time you did laundry was!? Yea, that was also his girl. Well she wasn't his yet, but she would be and she'd damn sure stop driving him crazy living in the Bronx ALONE when she was.

"Yooo Bucky Bear think we could loosen up the death grip on my hair? I like it rough as much as the next salty hoe but I like keeping it attached to my head more."

Bucky huffed a deep sigh of resignation as he untangled his fingers, if there was anyone in the tower she drove more insane than all the others... Well that poor bastard had to be him.


End file.
